Looking For Answers
by Biscuit50
Summary: Set in Season Five ... explores what's going on with Louisa and Martin following the birth of their son. Why don't they communicate better?
1. Chapter 1

Looking for Answers

Buffalo Pictures owns Doc Martin. I own nothing.

Story is set during Season Five and explores the lack of communication between Martin and Louisa.

Chapter 1

There it was, posted on the first place Louisa checked each day as she logged in, New Mums Dot Com. The forum had provided some interesting insights as well as a place to feel that she wasn't quite so alone in her new motherhood as she sometimes felt.

"Since the birth of our first child, my husband won't come near me. He doesn't touch me, or kiss me, or even hug me much. I'm not sure whether the trauma of witnessing the birth, or the idea that I'm the mother of his child, is stopping him. But we don't seem to be able to talk about it at all. Every time I try to bring it up, he changes the subject. In a possibly related development, he also seems to find fault with nearly everything I do. Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't think I can take it any longer. FRUSTRATED IN THE WEST

When she first read it, she blinked twice, because she herself could have written those words. So, there are others who feel like I do, she thought to herself.

Despite having made pretty major concessions to Martin following the birth of their son, Louisa was feeling pretty lonely. True, they were living together at the surgery and Martin was quite helpful in taking over many baby minding responsibilities. He could don an apron and gloves faster than anyone to change a nappy. He was a pretty good clothes washer and folder and he even knew where everything went, and he would put things away in their proper places. He shopped and prepared their "optimally nutritious" meals on a near daily basis, which was admittedly quite useful.

But the only "love" Louisa felt on anything like a reliable basis came from baby James. He was nearly always happy to see her, and smiled in response to her smiling and cooing at him, or if he was fussy, would stop crying when she picked him up most of the time. He seemed to love her holding him close, and snuggling with him. The bonding that she felt with and for the baby was simple and satisfying – but she was really starting to crave something else, something more.

Martin was a rock. He wasn't giving anything to her in the "Offer Louisa Some Comfort" department. He was always ready with advice (often unsolicited, sometimes unwanted, of varying degrees of actual helpfulness) … about how to properly hold or feed or bathe or inspect or dress James … it was maddening. He meant well, she was sure, but it felt a lot like criticism of her, personally and as a mother. And because they weren't all that good at direct, simple communication, her resentment of that running commentary took root and grew inside her.

He barely responded when she kissed him goodbye on the few occasions that she went out on her own. In bed, they slept next to each other, but that's all they did … sleep. Or not sleep, when James insisted on crying. Then Martin would helpfully wake her up to tend to the child. He would point out that she was more properly equipped to respond to James' need than he was.

Her mother's offer to watch James when she returned to her job as headmistress at Portwenn Primary was a mixed blessing. Of course, the idea that her mother had returned and wished to play a more active role in her grandson's life warmed Louisa's heart. At first, she was suspicious of her mother's motives, but Eleanor was proving to be somewhat convincing that she really had come back to be a presence in her daughter's and grandson's lives. Martin was less than enthusiastic when it came to her mother but she assumed his standards were impossibly high. She felt glad to have her mother's support, for the first time in her life.

But the thing Louisa wanted more than anything was a better relationship with Martin, especially if she was going to give up her beloved Cornish lifestyle and standing in Portwenn to move with him and James to London. She wanted to feel loved by Martin.

Since James' birth, when Martin confessed his having been "wrong about everything," she had nursed some hopes that the fledgling emotional connections they felt would grow into something a little sturdier and more substantial. It's why she agreed to move to London in the first place.

She had never aspired to be a doctor's wife. No, she aspired to Martin's partner – friend, lover, parent of James. She had never envisioned simply occupying space in Martin's house (or apartment or life, come to think about it) as James' mother. She wanted more. She deserved more.

The answers posted on the blog were informative, although not completely on point.

Response 1:

My husband did something similar. He wasn't sure what the new boundaries were when it came to "us" after our first child was born. Would I break? Was I depressed? Was he a nuisance? Etc. Once I told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to reassure me on a daily basis of my importance in his life, and back it up with some physical affection (I wouldn't break), we both calmed down a bit. We obviously got something right, because we had our second child recently. With this one, he's the opposite. It's all much easier. Hang in there, FRUSTRATED.

Response 2:

My husband wanted sex almost immediately, which physically wasn't really happening on my end, at least at first. But we managed to find some mutually satisfying activities which met both of our needs. It's funny. He's attracted to me, despite what I could clearly see in the mirror was a bit of a disheveled mess. Never mind that I had weight to lose, or a figure to regain … He still wanted me no matter what, and he wanted attention no matter what. Good luck, FRUSTRATED

Thinking about the range of those first two responses, Louisa thought about where her relationship with Martin existed. They weren't married, so that ultimate sense of commitment and family didn't quite exist for them on the same level that it did for most new parents. On the other hand, they did feel a strong commitment to and love for their son. Did being married to each other make a big difference in how they would react to each other long-term, she wondered.

I could go for some "mutually satisfying activities" myself, she thought. How should I approach it with Martin? What might he respond to? The direct approach? A conversation? No, that might result in yet another lecture, and let's face it, I don't like being lectured by him about anything.

No, a stealth approach launched in the dark might be a best first foray onto the battlefield. She began planning her attack.


	2. Chapter 2

Looking for Answers

Buffalo Pictures owns Doc Martin. I own nothing.

Story is set during Season Five and explores the lack of communication between Martin and Louisa.

Chapter 2

But the best laid plans are made to be … diverted? Disrupted?

One of the things that made Martin a superior GP was his ability to observe all the relevant information leading to a particular diagnosis. His encyclopedic knowledge of the body's physical systems and workings allowed him to make connections that other doctors made only in consulting the literature or specialists. Not surprisingly, his diagnostic Achilles' heel, however, was in diagnosing his own relationship with the enigmatic Louisa, or at least, she was enigmatic to him as he freely admitted on more than one occasion.

Martin had noted Louisa's distraction immediately following the birth of their son. He tried to fill the gap, helpfully preparing meals, shopping, changing nappies, folding laundry and in general, trying to fade into the background while she learned the ropes of new motherhood, whilst hormones continued to ebb and flow. Being a man of few words, he did not talk things through, except when he felt it was absolutely necessary. But even Martin noticed that Louisa's stress level was rising, particularly once her mother returned, and as she returned to work.

Since "gynae" was not his thing, he conducted some research. First, he determined that she was likely suffering from some mild (likely temporary) post-partum depression symptoms, most of which he tried to relieve by being helpful. He didn't quite realize the impact he was having by not talking to her nor communicating on a "need to know" basis. As always, he sought physical solutions, since they were his comfort zone, rather than emotional solutions, or heaven forbid, a combination of the two.

Martin was further puzzled by her desire to seek advice from total strangers on the web, in unprofessional chatrooms or blogs or whatever those things were called. Louisa's desire to seek useful data points from the firehose of information on the web was curious, if not actually dangerous, in his mind. What could these strangers offer that he could not? It was a mystery, although Louisa did seem to take some comfort from them. Martin himself communicated with professional colleagues about professional matters, but would never seek advice from uneducated, anonymous people who freely offered unprofessional, disorganized "advice." It was one of the many things about her that fell into his lack of understanding her at all at times.

Once he was in full blown diagnosis mode, however, Martin himself was a force to be reckoned with. And when the subject was improving Louisa's life, it was all the more important that he tended to his subject carefully and thoroughly. He really did love her, despite the fact that he never actually said it in so many words. Out loud. To her.

So, how to fix the broken (i.e., stressed out) Louisa?

He decided that if he could reduce her stress in a direct and meaningful way, life would be better for her, for the baby and for him. A win-win-win situation, if ever there was one. What would reduce her stress quickest?

After dinner that night and once the baby was settled, he asked the question: "Louisa, what exactly are you doing to relieve your stress? I've been observing you, and I think that your mother's observation that we're stressed out, while a bit of stating the obvious, has a kernel of truth to it. You're under some stress, as am I, what with all the new parenthood, going back to work, dealing with inept staff and unruly children and chaos at work, etc. Your mother was not all that helpful, beginning with the drugging of our son, and continuing with her unreliability and finally, her desertion without adequate backup plans being laid. We need to get organized and fix the things that are wrong. So, back to my original question. What are you doing to relieve your stress?"

Louisa looked at him, slightly aghast. She couldn't decide if Martin was blaming her for the condition of the school, or her mother's unreliability, or even her own stress levels, but she felt a bit attacked by the question. So she turned it back on him. "Martin, why is this all about me? I might ask you the same question: what are you doing to relieve your stress? You're under many of the same stressors as me. What are you doing to relieve your stress? Hm?"

With those two questions out in the air between them, it was clear that they needed to talk. Actually, once she threw that question back at him, she immediately felt better. Perhaps it was not rational, but there it was. Shared misery was better than misery suffered alone and in silence.

"Well, I've tried to take care of our physical needs. I've done a lot of the shopping and food preparation. I share many of the duties of taking care of James. I feed and change him when you're not here," Martin replied.

"You're not answering my question. What are you doing to relieve your stress? What would you consider to be stress relieving activities which could become part of your life, which would reduce stress?" Louisa pursued.

Martin thought for a minute, then began to respond. "In the past, I used to work on my hobby … fixing and restoring antique clocks. But as I said last year, it was time for something new and so it was. I try to get in some reading of the latest medical journals, so that I maintain currency in my medical knowledge. I even read some of it to James when you were out last month and it was just the two of us."

"And I loved coming home and seeing you reading to him. I think that's a good start, but did it really reduce your stress?" Louisa really wanted to know. Because reading aloud to her son, while a fun thing to do, would only alleviate some of her stress, she thought. "Do you ever think of activities we could do together to have some fun? I think that would really help in my case. I'm feeling a little like everything I do is because I have to, not just because I want to. I'd like to have some things that we do together which are fun and benefit both of us."

"Such as what?" Martin was curious what Louisa had in mind.

"Well, and don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like it if you demonstrated some physical affection and attraction to me. It doesn't have to be outside our home, but here in our home, I would feel a lot more comfortable, and probably a lot happier, if you hugged me on a regular basis, kissed me from time to time, doesn't have to be at my invitation, but just because you feel like it. I've been thinking that James receives physical affection from both of us individually, but we don't show each other that same level of care, if that makes sense. I miss something that we had briefly, when we were engaged, and which has been gone for a long time – affection between us. Is that something you would be interested in?" Louisa kind of dreaded asking the question, but since they had walked up to the edge of this verbal cliff, she felt like she might as well jump.

"I'm so glad you said something," Martin confessed. "I've been trying to respect your healing process following James' birth, and trying not to be too pushy about resuming our physical relationship. Louisa, there's nothing I want more than to be able to express physically how I feel about you in the privacy of our home. Every day, I feel glad that we're together, but I would also like more. As I said, I didn't want to pressure you or anything. And let's face it, I haven't really had good examples in my life of two parents in a loving, healthy relationship, and actually, I guess, neither have you." He pulled her closer for a better demonstration of what he meant, kissing her softly, but firmly, as he looked down at her very tenderly. "I don't want to rush you into anything, but yes, re-establishing a physical relationship would fit the category of being stress reducing. I'm willing to commit to that for both of us," he said with a grin.

It felt so good to have Martin's arms around her, and know that he wanted her. It was good, too, to see him smile. Suddenly, her stress levels seemed to go away, at least for the time being. "Martin, I've wanted that too," Louisa agreed with him. "In fact, it's one of the primary contributors to my stress – not being sure if you were at all attracted to me, following all the changes in my body after James was born. While I didn't put on all that much weight, as you so articulately mentioned, things have shifted and I've been feeling a bit worried that you weren't interested in me at all. Plus I think you mentioned that your father developed that sort of feeling towards your mother after you were born. I thought maybe you were following in his footsteps," Louis confessed.

"Louisa, the thing that has made me keep my distance, has been my desire to give you all the time and space you needed to heal. If you're saying you're healed and wish to resume more intimate relations, I can't think of anything that would give me more pleasure. I too was worried that maybe you weren't attracted to me either," Martin said. "I've always wondered why you were attracted to me in the first place. Let's face it, empirically, you're much younger and more attractive than I am. Plus, I'm not exactly the warm and cuddly type."

"You know, for two people who are leaders in our respective fields, we are pathetically bad communicators with each other. Maybe we could work on that aspect of our lives, hm?" Louisa responded. "I think if we had fewer miscommunications with each other, we'd both be a lot happier and, as you put it, stress free. Now, where do you stand on turning in early tonight?" she asked with a grin, as she took his hand and led him upstairs for some much needed stress relieving activities.


End file.
